Testimonial: My Psychedelic Rebirth
Thomas*, 38, went through a difficult bout of depression. During a psychedelic retreat, he discovered a new path to reconnect with his emotions — and a form of inner renewal.
I realised it wasn’t emptiness anymore, but a space left for me — a space to be filled with precious things.
How long have you been interested in psychedelics?
To be honest, I’d never been interested in psychedelics. I’d only ever heard of magic mushrooms in films. And if you’d told me about a psilocybin retreat back then, I’d probably have rolled my eyes. I’ve always been a rational person. Not particularly drawn to “alternative” experiences.
Who could have predicted I’d end up feeling some kind of psychedelic rebirth thanks to magic truffles? Certainly not me!
Have you ever been treated for anxiety or depression symptoms?
I wasn’t treated. I didn’t want to go on medication. But I did go through a two-phase depression. For months, I was on autopilot. I’d get up, go to work, smile when expected, say “I’m fine” when people asked. Then I’d come home and go through the same motions. But in truth, I’d lost all sense of meaning. Nothing had any taste anymore.
Then, after COVID hit, the company I worked for went under. I ended up in debt and started spiralling. I drank a bit too much. Within two months, I became a shadow of myself. No plans, no drive. That’s depression, isn’t it?
How did you come to try psilocybin for the first time?
One day, I came across an article online about psychedelic retreats — actually, it mentioned the Tangerine Institute. It was intriguing: going to the Netherlands, taking a psychedelic substance to go inward. Maybe even resolve some things buried deep in the mind?
What made the article feel reassuring?
It referred to clinical trials being conducted in proper hospitals, with real doctors. It talked about people like me — not “seekers of light”, but tired, depressed, slightly lost individuals.
Some lines really stuck with me. One in particular: “It’s not that life becomes lighter. It’s that the weight becomes easier to carry.”
Were you worried about side effects or a bad trip?
I was a bit anxious about fitting in with the group. But that was it. No fear of a bad trip or paranoia.
Was it hard to make the decision to attend the retreat?
Not really. It took me two weeks. I read everything I could about psilocybin, testimonials, studies, warnings. On Reddit, in mainstream media. Possible side effects: temporary anxiety, physical discomfort, emotional upheaval. But none of that seemed worse than what I was already living with.
The real question was: how to tell my wife? Should I say something or not? That was the hard part.
In the end, I did tell her. We watched a documentary on the subject (How to Change Your Mind). I explained that this seemed like a way out — a chance to get back to the life we used to have. To become myself again, to be reborn, to reconnect with my essence. I told her I needed her support, if she was willing to give it.
Then I booked. A few weeks later, I was in a quiet house surrounded by fields, somewhere north of Utrecht. There were nine of us. All different. But all with the same tiredness in our eyes. I think we were all a bit excited about the psychedelic journey too.
What was the psychedelic journey like?
On the day of the ceremony, I was tense. The setting was reassuring: three facilitators, times to share. I didn’t want a clinical atmosphere, so the friendly coaching format suited me. I took the truffle preparation and waited.
Did the psilocybin take effect quickly?
Not at all — the come-up was slow. It felt like forever. No spectacular visions. Just a few colours here and there. Then a gradual shift in how I felt. What came up most was a deep sense of loneliness. A feeling of abandonment, as if I’d been left behind long ago. Then, without warning, a quiet, old shame — but not tied to any particular memory. It had been there, in the background, for years. That was tough.
At one point, I saw a tunnel, then a manor house, then a box floating in my mind. I opened it. It was empty. At first, I thought it was a joke. Apparently, I laughed.
Did it mean I’d found nothing? No answers? Then suddenly I understood. It wasn’t emptiness anymore, it was an invitation. A space left for me. A space to be filled with things that mattered.
I can’t explain why, but it felt like the message was: “The solution exists. Not here. Not now. But it exists. It’s waiting for you.”
How did you feel afterwards?
The next morning, everything felt clearer. I had a coffee outside, in silence. The taste surprised me — it had a presence I’d never noticed before. Odd to speak of the “presence” of coffee!
I watched an ant cross the table. I heard the wind in the leaves. A woman at the end of the lane, pushing a pram. It was all ordinary, yet sharply defined. The details had regained their depth. As if the world had been returned to me with sharper contrast.
That’s when I knew I was experiencing a form of rebirth. Not a dramatic transformation. But something real. A regained sense of direction. I called it a psychedelic rebirth because I don’t see how I could have experienced it without attending that retreat.
How is this psychedelic rebirth going?
It’s going well. Quietly. I’ve resumed therapy. I used to go reluctantly, hoping to be told the truth. Now, I go more openly. I’m more receptive. I don’t try to control it.
The changes are modest but fast. I tidy up more. I cook instead of ordering food. I call my friends back when I miss a call. I’ve quit alcohol.
It’s not magic. It’s not always easy. But I no longer feel like I’m against myself.
And when old patterns come back, when my mood dips, I think of the box. What I found in it: not a solution, but a possibility. And sometimes, that’s enough to keep going.
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Do you think you’ll need to go again?
I imagine there’ll be other challenges in life. For now, I feel able to face things. If not, I’d do it again. I used to be scared of the emptiness in my life. I found a comforting emptiness in the box. It’s funny, really — to be protected by what I once feared.
But what I’d like to do first is take my wife to the Netherlands. Because I loved the journey. And this time, it’ll be a trip without mushrooms!
* To ensure the protection of privacy rights, the individual’s identity, age, and photograph have been altered.
